I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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