What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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