Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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