with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
