also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
