She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
