Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
