Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
