I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
