i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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