Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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