I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
