No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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