If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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