You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
