trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
