i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
