no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
