I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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