I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize