what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
