He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
