He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
