The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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