A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone