hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.