The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just high enough for therapy.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped