how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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