Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
