every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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