apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
