I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
