i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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