I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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