All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
