Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
