why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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