i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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