im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I want is dick and wine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
