Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
