Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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