i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
