Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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