Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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