Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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