I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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