btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.