Plan B is the new Plan A
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
