my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
