Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."