Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.