I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
