I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
