He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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