But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
