3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
