I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
