I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
