Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
