Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
